My current mental state

I suppose it’s time to address the elephant in the room, well: I’m please to inform that it’s been very positive for the most part (minus these last few days due to circumstances) but everything leading up to this has been positive.

I’ll cut you the “new year new me” cliché but genuinely this year I have promised myself I will be as positive and optimistic as I can. And that I won’t let anything hold me back from what I want to do. Before I would always hold my self back with fear of failure or rejection depending on the circumstances.

But I decided I can’t keep living in fear, and that the only person holding me back is me. Of course I still have off days, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I’m in such a better place than I was a year ago, mentally and in life. I owe people who are responsible quite literally my life. This’ll never go away though, this is me. But that’s okay. I’ve learned to come to accept who I am and my circumstances instead of asking why me.

I have a long way to go yet until enlightenment, but I’m well on my way. I always feel myself going back to old ways, but then I remember why I’m on this journey. Way too many people have put their faith in me for me to let them down.

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Life happened

Well, I’ve come back to my safe haven again. I always find myself back here when stuck in a down phase, would a what’s new but I’d probably break WordPress if I did. Just know a lot has gone down.

Done a few things I’m definitely not proud of, still with (ish) my girlfriend, got a sick job currently, had a horrible job before that. And yeah that’s pretty much it.

It’s weird being back, I’ve missed it. Being able to right for as long as I want and whatever I want. I’m glad to confirm I’m 100% dedicating to this. It’ll help me and I can give back to others.

I hope you have all been doing well, it’ll be good to see some new and old faces! Big things to come, thanks for sticking around!

Long time no blog

It’s been way too long, way too long. In truth I’ve been meaning to write this post or even a post in the longest time. I’m back now though, and as ever better than before. Originally I was gone for a solid three weeks due to my phone breaking and there being nothing going on in my life, man how stuff changes!

The biggest change in life has been the amount of interviews I’ve been getting. Now I have never been an achiever in school but I’ve always tried and gave my all. Determination is better than any piece of paper with grades. What you have mentally is stronger than what you have thunder mentally. Only you can win this fight only you can do what you have to do.

“Anyway I have my own responsibilitie now, I can not fail!”

So yeah a lot has changed, but what’s new for you guys? Will read my missed followed blogs, I look forward to speaking to you all again! And once again I’m back!

It’s always the same.

Something’s never change, that’s a fact. However much good I try to do for other people, however much I try to be there for people, however much I try to CARE for other people its always the same. In that I never even get the tiniest gratitude for my efforts in all that I do. But you know what’s hit me the hardest? when im in a shitty mood and nobody even wants to give me the time of day. That’s not my problem. It’s when those people who said they will be there for you are those people who aren’t living up to the mark. I get that they have they have their own lives and potentially their own problems, but don’t say something you can’t stick to. These are the people who at a moment’s notice ill jump at the opportunity to help anyone, regardless how dire my own situation is. It would be easy to just become like everyone else, no disregard for anyone but myself, but that’s not me and it never will be. Because in helping others, I self contentiously help myself. I suppose that is my reward, its not a lot in a sense of helping me in my time of need, but it helps me to be there person I am now and am becoming. Maybe one day people will appreciate me for what I do and give as much as they take, maybe.

Self harm//expanding on Naruto

Okay so I’ve been talking about “what Naruto has taught me” a lot recently and I realised: I never really back it up with evidence: so here we go😊Also this is kind of irrelevant but through account surfing I saw in a lot of bio’s how long people have/had been clean and I thought I’d share mine. I’ve been clean for a massive year and a quarter! It will be two years this September 😊to say I’m proud of my selfs an understatement, but you should be proud too! Weather it’s an hour, day, month or year! It’s all time you’ve managed to resist temptation and a victory worth celebrating.

Fighting a losing battle

It’s as soon as people see how bad we have become from fighting these losing battles they want to know you, by then you’ve already learned to be your own cheering crowd. What I mean by a “losing battle” is in a sense of a metaphor, in a sense of how ever better we manger to convince ourself we are becoming, that foreboding, looming fear that it will go back to how it was remains, and that’s a factor anyone who suffers similarly to me will understand. And it’s always the same. I won’t sugar coat it for anyone, what would be the point. It would only lead to disappointment when finding out the harsh reality.

A place to call home

“A place to call home”, a very vague figure of speech. It probably has different meanings for different people. But for me: it means a place where you feel truly safe and cared for. I don’t just mean in a sense of “home invasion”.

For example, when I’m at my girlfriends, all my worries just go away. Her company plus her stupid dog whom I love to pieces make everything seem okay for a while. Then I have to go back to reality. It’s 03:36 upon writing this, I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while now actually.  I suppose her house is a “home away from home”, I’ll finish with this quote from Jirya, enjoy

Happy few days

I’ve been having a really positive few days recently, I’ve been going out a lot and getting stuff I wanted too, I spoke to my doctor and he suggested to try to focus on and getting stuff done I need to, and he was right it’s helped, I’ve managed to get my ID photo taken and a few other bits and keeping doing stuff keeps me motivated, I know it sounds like a given but keeping moving and doing stuff helps me a lot.

I want to get back into this, ive missed everyone.

I have been gone for quite some time now, but I don’t want anyone to worry. In fact: this is the happiest ive been in the longest time. I have wanted to start this back up for the longest time. But I think I am back for good, if I am welcome back and all, hahah. Anyway I digress, I guess I should start by saying where ive been and what ive been up to, well: I am still in my relationship, seven months this month. Time truly does go by when your having fun, I haven’t had too many off days luckily, but every time I would, she’d pick me up again. I truly am blessed to have her.

I also have a job now! Nothing amazing but it pays half decently, to whomever is interested its at dominoes. It’s nothing glamorous, just preparing pizza and other foods. But, I think I may have found what I want to do in life from it, I think I want to do customer service. I love picking up the phone and taking orders or talking to them when the come in. I have always been good at and enjoyed talking to people, ive been praised by 2/3 of my mangers for my customer service skills, I guess im doing something right.

Unfortunately ive hated college still, yeah I bet you knew it was all going too well, I have also been experiencing a lot of loneliness still, its horrible in truth. I have few friends these days but the one I do, I hold dear and I appreciate them. I wish people who I use to be close with was still there, but they gave up on me.

Anyway I think that’ll be all for tonight and this post, ill be sure to post a lot more from now on, I remember how good it made me feel knowing I could come here and talk about all my problems. I hope you missed me as much as I, but I ask of one favourite from any of you. I would love to get to know some if not all of you personally. Then we can all support each other. I will write a “what ……… has taught me” post soon, till then: I am glad to be back.