My current mental state

I suppose it’s time to address the elephant in the room, well: I’m please to inform that it’s been very positive for the most part (minus these last few days due to circumstances) but everything leading up to this has been positive.

I’ll cut you the “new year new me” cliché but genuinely this year I have promised myself I will be as positive and optimistic as I can. And that I won’t let anything hold me back from what I want to do. Before I would always hold my self back with fear of failure or rejection depending on the circumstances.

But I decided I can’t keep living in fear, and that the only person holding me back is me. Of course I still have off days, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I’m in such a better place than I was a year ago, mentally and in life. I owe people who are responsible quite literally my life. This’ll never go away though, this is me. But that’s okay. I’ve learned to come to accept who I am and my circumstances instead of asking why me.

I have a long way to go yet until enlightenment, but I’m well on my way. I always feel myself going back to old ways, but then I remember why I’m on this journey. Way too many people have put their faith in me for me to let them down.

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Life happened

Well, I’ve come back to my safe haven again. I always find myself back here when stuck in a down phase, would a what’s new but I’d probably break WordPress if I did. Just know a lot has gone down.

Done a few things I’m definitely not proud of, still with (ish) my girlfriend, got a sick job currently, had a horrible job before that. And yeah that’s pretty much it.

It’s weird being back, I’ve missed it. Being able to right for as long as I want and whatever I want. I’m glad to confirm I’m 100% dedicating to this. It’ll help me and I can give back to others.

I hope you have all been doing well, it’ll be good to see some new and old faces! Big things to come, thanks for sticking around!

It’s always the same.

Something’s never change, that’s a fact. However much good I try to do for other people, however much I try to be there for people, however much I try to CARE for other people its always the same. In that I never even get the tiniest gratitude for my efforts in all that I do. But you know what’s hit me the hardest? when im in a shitty mood and nobody even wants to give me the time of day. That’s not my problem. It’s when those people who said they will be there for you are those people who aren’t living up to the mark. I get that they have they have their own lives and potentially their own problems, but don’t say something you can’t stick to. These are the people who at a moment’s notice ill jump at the opportunity to help anyone, regardless how dire my own situation is. It would be easy to just become like everyone else, no disregard for anyone but myself, but that’s not me and it never will be. Because in helping others, I self contentiously help myself. I suppose that is my reward, its not a lot in a sense of helping me in my time of need, but it helps me to be there person I am now and am becoming. Maybe one day people will appreciate me for what I do and give as much as they take, maybe.

A place to call home

“A place to call home”, a very vague figure of speech. It probably has different meanings for different people. But for me: it means a place where you feel truly safe and cared for. I don’t just mean in a sense of “home invasion”.

For example, when I’m at my girlfriends, all my worries just go away. Her company plus her stupid dog whom I love to pieces make everything seem okay for a while. Then I have to go back to reality. It’s 03:36 upon writing this, I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while now actually.  I suppose her house is a “home away from home”, I’ll finish with this quote from Jirya, enjoy

Happy few days

I’ve been having a really positive few days recently, I’ve been going out a lot and getting stuff I wanted too, I spoke to my doctor and he suggested to try to focus on and getting stuff done I need to, and he was right it’s helped, I’ve managed to get my ID photo taken and a few other bits and keeping doing stuff keeps me motivated, I know it sounds like a given but keeping moving and doing stuff helps me a lot.

Temporary Friends

In the past year or two I’ve learned a lot, some by choice, some not. But one of the things which hit home the hardest is for sure friends. Now trust me when I say nothing is forever, especially with friends. It’s extremely hard to come across a “true friend” nower days. And don’t even get me started on those people who say ” they’ll always be there for you”, you know the ones. That can be a different post altogether.

In fact: the people of whom I speak of in this post are the same people I shared that unforgettable night with about five months back. It saddens me to remember those times, I thought they wasn’t going anywhere, oh how I was so wrong. 

Time don’t mean anything in a friendship, someone could come into your life tomorrow and have better intentions than someone you’ve known for years

It’s done a lot to me not being friends with them anymore, more bad than good. I’ve become a lot more sceptical of when someone says they want to be friends or when people start getting close to me. I start to question if their intentions are sensire or not. But I have new people, people to fill those voids now.

If there is anything to take away from this, it’s that you should try to be less dependent on friends. That way you save yourself the disappointment from when they inedibly leave you and give up on you, or maybe that was just my experience.