My current mental state

I suppose it’s time to address the elephant in the room, well: I’m please to inform that it’s been very positive for the most part (minus these last few days due to circumstances) but everything leading up to this has been positive.

I’ll cut you the “new year new me” cliché but genuinely this year I have promised myself I will be as positive and optimistic as I can. And that I won’t let anything hold me back from what I want to do. Before I would always hold my self back with fear of failure or rejection depending on the circumstances.

But I decided I can’t keep living in fear, and that the only person holding me back is me. Of course I still have off days, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I’m in such a better place than I was a year ago, mentally and in life. I owe people who are responsible quite literally my life. This’ll never go away though, this is me. But that’s okay. I’ve learned to come to accept who I am and my circumstances instead of asking why me.

I have a long way to go yet until enlightenment, but I’m well on my way. I always feel myself going back to old ways, but then I remember why I’m on this journey. Way too many people have put their faith in me for me to let them down.

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Life happened

Well, I’ve come back to my safe haven again. I always find myself back here when stuck in a down phase, would a what’s new but I’d probably break WordPress if I did. Just know a lot has gone down.

Done a few things I’m definitely not proud of, still with (ish) my girlfriend, got a sick job currently, had a horrible job before that. And yeah that’s pretty much it.

It’s weird being back, I’ve missed it. Being able to right for as long as I want and whatever I want. I’m glad to confirm I’m 100% dedicating to this. It’ll help me and I can give back to others.

I hope you have all been doing well, it’ll be good to see some new and old faces! Big things to come, thanks for sticking around!

Fighting a losing battle

It’s as soon as people see how bad we have become from fighting these losing battles they want to know you, by then you’ve already learned to be your own cheering crowd. What I mean by a “losing battle” is in a sense of a metaphor, in a sense of how ever better we manger to convince ourself we are becoming, that foreboding, looming fear that it will go back to how it was remains, and that’s a factor anyone who suffers similarly to me will understand. And it’s always the same. I won’t sugar coat it for anyone, what would be the point. It would only lead to disappointment when finding out the harsh reality.

Today’s verdict

To be honest I just wanted to post, after my bath I’m happy to say I’ve  cheered up a bit and haven’t been down tonight since. Although I have started to feel really lonely not only today but a lot in the past few weeks, it feels like I have no one I can really turn to. Especially from leaving school.

Hopefully this blog will help me make new friends and people who can be there for me,who knows. If not I’ll have to wait till collage. I hope you all had a good day, hopefully I’ll sleep better than yesterday, stay strong guys!

Looking like another sleepless night.

My sleeping patten has always been pretty erratic. I’ve had trouble sleep since I can remember. The time in the UK when I started writing this was 02:50 in the morning, currently my brother is up with me surfing the internet or doing what ever he might be doing.

I know I need to sleep, I just can’t though. weather that be down to my sleeping pattern? Who knows. I’m tired But I know trying to sleep would be pointless and futile. I hate feeling like this so late as no one is up,not that I have meany people to talk to anyway.

Collage and my future has been playing on my mind as well. I had my introduction day at collage yesterday, and after I got a subway which was so good 😋but on the main note I realised the course wasn’t for me, so my mum is going to call up tomorrow and try to sort out changing my course to a business one.

I want to make people proud but I’m afraid I may not be able to, I try my best but I’m worried it’s not good enough, ugh. I was proper happy a few hours ago after starting this and now all these thoughts are comming back. Guess it wouldn’t be true to the blog if I didn’t post how I was feeling.