My current mental state

I suppose it’s time to address the elephant in the room, well: I’m please to inform that it’s been very positive for the most part (minus these last few days due to circumstances) but everything leading up to this has been positive.

I’ll cut you the “new year new me” cliché but genuinely this year I have promised myself I will be as positive and optimistic as I can. And that I won’t let anything hold me back from what I want to do. Before I would always hold my self back with fear of failure or rejection depending on the circumstances.

But I decided I can’t keep living in fear, and that the only person holding me back is me. Of course I still have off days, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I’m in such a better place than I was a year ago, mentally and in life. I owe people who are responsible quite literally my life. This’ll never go away though, this is me. But that’s okay. I’ve learned to come to accept who I am and my circumstances instead of asking why me.

I have a long way to go yet until enlightenment, but I’m well on my way. I always feel myself going back to old ways, but then I remember why I’m on this journey. Way too many people have put their faith in me for me to let them down.

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Life happened

Well, I’ve come back to my safe haven again. I always find myself back here when stuck in a down phase, would a what’s new but I’d probably break WordPress if I did. Just know a lot has gone down.

Done a few things I’m definitely not proud of, still with (ish) my girlfriend, got a sick job currently, had a horrible job before that. And yeah that’s pretty much it.

It’s weird being back, I’ve missed it. Being able to right for as long as I want and whatever I want. I’m glad to confirm I’m 100% dedicating to this. It’ll help me and I can give back to others.

I hope you have all been doing well, it’ll be good to see some new and old faces! Big things to come, thanks for sticking around!

It’s always the same.

Something’s never change, that’s a fact. However much good I try to do for other people, however much I try to be there for people, however much I try to CARE for other people its always the same. In that I never even get the tiniest gratitude for my efforts in all that I do. But you know what’s hit me the hardest? when im in a shitty mood and nobody even wants to give me the time of day. That’s not my problem. It’s when those people who said they will be there for you are those people who aren’t living up to the mark. I get that they have they have their own lives and potentially their own problems, but don’t say something you can’t stick to. These are the people who at a moment’s notice ill jump at the opportunity to help anyone, regardless how dire my own situation is. It would be easy to just become like everyone else, no disregard for anyone but myself, but that’s not me and it never will be. Because in helping others, I self contentiously help myself. I suppose that is my reward, its not a lot in a sense of helping me in my time of need, but it helps me to be there person I am now and am becoming. Maybe one day people will appreciate me for what I do and give as much as they take, maybe.

Fighting a losing battle

It’s as soon as people see how bad we have become from fighting these losing battles they want to know you, by then you’ve already learned to be your own cheering crowd. What I mean by a “losing battle” is in a sense of a metaphor, in a sense of how ever better we manger to convince ourself we are becoming, that foreboding, looming fear that it will go back to how it was remains, and that’s a factor anyone who suffers similarly to me will understand. And it’s always the same. I won’t sugar coat it for anyone, what would be the point. It would only lead to disappointment when finding out the harsh reality.

My change in the world

You know, I want to make a change in the world. I’m sure it can’t be done overnight, but I want to make sure nobody has to go through such pain, lonesome or suffering as me or anybody. I don’t know what that change is yet, or how I’ll make that change but I’ll make it, even in death should it come to it, I’ll just have to find someone to inherit it too.

weather that be my son or daughter, they will find that change and make the world okay again, or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. maybe it’s not a change in the world we need, but a change in who we all are as a person, as a race. There is a change out there which needs to be made and I’ll be the one to find it, that’s Just a dream anyway.

 For now I’m forced to live out the days of a man learning to live in almost lonesome. if you could even call me a man,that is. that’s an insult to the very word man isn’t it? Referring so many people to someone like me? 

“Just a toad in an ocean of frogs who knows nothing about the outside world

 I always use to say: “if you have a dream, don’t wait! Act!” But how can you act upon something you know nothing about? All these answers and more I hope to find one day. But that’s just a dream, like I said for now I’m forced to live out something which I’m not at all content with. 

But it’s a way of life I’m forced to become accompanied to should I want to stay positive. I don’t even know what I’m truly on about, it’s just meaningless babbling, trying to hide the fact that all I really, truly want is to be accepted and to have people who care for me. Like naruto did, funny how you can relate to someone fictional on such a high level.